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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Ashley's LiveJournal:

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    Friday, January 26th, 2007
    10:15 pm
    I have a new account
    Get over it and add nousnousadorent
    Thats me.
    You may have seen my new entry under it.
    Go add me now.
    And forget about this one.
    It is from a different time and will still be around if you, for some reason, would like to come back and visit it.
    Not that you would.
    I'll see you.

    http://nousnousadorent.livejournal.com/

    go there and add now.

    Goodbye and see ya around.
    Ash

    Current Mood: amused
    Current Music: Coheed & Cambria - Willing Well IV- The Final Cut
    Thursday, January 25th, 2007
    8:58 pm
    Pas de quoi.
    I wish he would stop messing with my heart.

    Even if he doesnt know he's doing it.

    I'm not suuuuure.

    Again, i wish i could read minds.

    Or he would talk about this stuff.

    HELP.

    ash

    Current Mood: confused
    Current Music: hellogoodbye
    Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
    8:39 pm
    I'm Straight. I like men. I'm not a lesbian.
    But you knew that, right?
    Or have i in some way been misleading people making them think I'm not?
    Well, MATT thought i was. But he kept pushing it. He makes me SO MAD.
    Ima go now.

    Current Mood: blah
    Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
    3:35 pm
    MY BRAIN vs. MY HEART
    Now here's the situation:
    MY BRAIN-I know what i should do. The solution is simple: Ignore my feelings and just be friends. Its like looking at a map and guessing where you are. But I'm scared i have the wrong map out. I'm seeing all the wrong signs and nothing matches up. Do you get it? It's like he's looking at the friendship map and I'm looking at the "like" map. But I'm scared of what the situation really is: he has the "like" map and i have he "confusion" map. But that doesn't make sense. He acts like we're just friends so isn't it right that i assume that he just wants to be friends? My brain says ask him. Ask him how he feels and work it from there. It tells me i should take the easiest path.
    MY HEART- My heart leads me to want adventure. But it doesn't want to get hurt. It gives excuses as to why i shouldn't ask; as valid or invalid that those excuses are. It wants me to go through the little things, to EXPERIENCE not just do. My heart tells me its not all black and white, but there is some grey in between. It yearns for drama and details. For love, attention, compassion, romance, and pleasure in all forms.
    MY BRAIN-My brain HATE drama, my own, other people's, whomever. It wants knowledge, solidity, assurance of all that may exist, it DEPENDS on science and religion and longs for solid facts and instructions. MY BRAIN wants advice and strict rules.
    MY HEART- My heart searches for the in-between, the details and pleasantries that occur in life as a whole. Not an outline of a story. It wants the typical romance novel, love story, chick flick and every piece of the cliché that is love.
    MY BRAIN- If my brain could ask you (you being my friends, of course) a question on the situation it would be "What should I do?"
    MY HEART-If my heart could ask you a question on the situation it would be "How should I feel.
    MY BRAIN- If my brain could ask him any question it would be "What do you want from me?"
    MY HEART- If my heart could ask him any question it would be "How do you feel?"
    MY BRAIN- My brain is in a battle with my heart. It keeps telling it not to risk it and just be friends. A friend forever is better than a high school love drama for a week. It wants my heart to quickly agree and forget its feelings.
    MY HEART- My heart is confused on how it really feels. Does it prefer being in love over not getting hurt and possibly ruining a friendship? My heart almost complied, but it remembered all the little things. It aches with feelings for him that my brain just doesn't understand.
    MYSELF- I am confused. Lost between the two organs. The two possibilities. The two consequences. I beg for help, assistance, advice. Which organ wins, my friends? You choose for I cannot. I want your ideas and opinions which aren't in the situation and your vision is clear where mine is fogged with feelings and thoughts. Give me the right map!

    Current Mood: crushed
    Thursday, January 18th, 2007
    8:52 pm
    "Where's your grandpa now?" -Announcer for Little Miss Sunshine Pageant
    "In the trunk of our car." -Olive (from Little Miss Sunshine)

    But i just spent all day with Rick.

    It was so fun.

    After school to about 7:00.

    ME, Rick, and Irwin went to Wendy's, then Mc Sports.
    We were going to see a movie, but the cinema wasnt open.
    And we couldnt think of anything.
    So we walked to his house and played guitar hero.
    Then we watched Little Miss Sunshine (Hilarious)
    And then me, his brother, and his mom talked for a while.
    And his dad got home and gave him his new cymbal stand.
    And we played Halo.
    And ate homemade pizza (i have the leftovers)
    And then we had to leave.

    But it was SO MUCH MORE than that.
    There are Zero details, thats just as basic as outline's go.
    And i had loads of fun.
    -ash

    Current Mood: happy
    Wednesday, January 17th, 2007
    1:14 pm
    Cupid hits me every time I think about him... I have a headache :[
    I talked to him today. After the long weekend and after not seeing him yesterday.

    And its a little funny how he makes everything okay. Until tomorrow.

    I love remembering the little moments that may or may not mean anything.

    But you guys don't need to hear about any of that.

    I felt hot today.

    like, sexy.

    for once.

    maybe it's the cleavage.

    i hope not.

    I'm not to partial to my boobs being cold.

    And I'm not sure i can get used to it...

    We need more food in my house.

    My mom FINALLY called the drivers ed people.

    Soon enough I'll have my drivers license.

    And I might get a car.

    But maybe not.

    Whatever I'm in a pretty good mood right now.

    Caaaaallll me.
    ash

    Current Mood: lovesick
    Sunday, January 14th, 2007
    3:15 pm
    Such a freaking tool.
    Am i so self centered and cold that i cant talk to somebody else about their problems for five minutes before i have to recenter it around myself?
    All i ever want to talk about any more is HIM.
    I think i just did it again.

    But...I can't be as happy about everything until i know he likes me.

    I know what will happen: I'll be in love with him until it all falls apart and i find out he doesn't like me at all. That he still like my best friend (she knows who she is). And then what? I'll want to move even more.
    No offense, guys, but he's the only thing remotely keeping me here, and he's not doing a very good job.
    I want to get AWAY from Ohio. My dad has two possible jobs lined up.
    Our whole family wants to move to Kentucky. It would work perfectly for all of us. For Grant: he could go to the same college and it wouldn't be "out of state". For Dad, he'd have a job he actually enjoys. For mom: A warmer climate. For me: a new life. And its close to Cincinnati.

    So many signs are lined up telling our family we need to move. I'm sure god would make that one more sign: Him not liking me. I hate being here. The few of you who actually care, thanks. I know theres gotta be a couple people who would miss me if I were gone. About now i don't think he would care. I don't think Matt Dee or Corey would care. The only reason Wayne would miss me is because i give him gum. My classmates wouldn't miss me and i cant say i would particularly miss them. I'm sure Emma would be ecstatic. She'd have a reserved seat in Wind Ensemble and assured first chair in Orchestra next year. I doubt any of the music teachers would miss me. They would get along fine without me, i assure you.
    Now my teen leader from church isn't doing it anymore. This is the lady that freaking baptized me and taught me so much. I can't even believe it. And i know i should be understanding because she has a kid and has another on the way, but i feel so abandoned. GET ME OUT OF HERE! Strongsville sucks. If its going to RAIN i wish i would freaking RAIN. None of this drizzle crap.
    But i can't move until i have My drivers liscence. Which takes forever. All this stuff is so messed up. Like, my family wants to leave but theres little things keeping us here. Insignificant little things. But we can't move until dad gets a job.

    I just want to know that there's nothing here that's worth staying for. That's why i need to know how he feels. Then I'm home free.

    This rant is now over,
    Ash

    Current Mood: aggravated
    Current Music: none
    Thursday, January 11th, 2007
    9:00 pm
    Why is it that a GUY would make me feel so happy?
    I'm having a great week.
    Who cares that finals start tomorrow?
    I'm euphoric.
    I want to feel like this forever.
    I'm on top of the world right now.
    I just have to go study.
    But thats no big deal.
    I'll see you in school tomorrow!
    -Ash

    Current Music: no, thank you.
    Monday, July 10th, 2006
    2:31 pm
    Lemon Demon - The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

    Old Godzilla was hopping around
    Tokyo City like a big playground
    when suddenly Batman burst from the shade
    and hit Godzilla with a Batgrenade
    Godzilla got pissed and began to attack
    but didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq
    who proceeded to open up a can of Shaq Fu
    when Aaron Carter came out of the blue

    and he started beating up Shaquille O'Neal
    then they both got flattened by the Batmobile
    but before it could make it back to the Batcave
    Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave
    and took an AK47 out from under his hat
    and blew Batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat
    but he ran out of bullets and he ran away
    because Optimus Prime came to save the day

    this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
    good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see
    and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
    this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

    Godzilla took a bite out of Optimus Prime
    like Scruff McGruff took a bite out of crime
    and then Shaq came back covered in a tire track
    but Jackie Chan jumped out and landed on his back
    and Batman was injured, and trying to get steady
    when Abraham Lincoln came back with a machete
    but suddenly something caught his leg and he tripped
    Indiana Jones took him out with his whip

    then he saw Godzilla sneaking up from behind
    and he reached for his gun which he just couldn't find
    'cause Batman stole it and he shot and he missed
    and Jackie Chan deflected it with his fist
    then he jumped in the air and did a summersault
    while Abraham Lincoln tried to pole vault
    onto Optimus Prime, but they collided in the air
    then they both got hit by a Care Bear Stare, oooh

    this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
    good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see
    and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
    this is the Ultimate Showdown...

    angels sang out in immaculate chorus
    down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris
    who deliver a kick which could shatter bones
    into the crotch of Indiana Jones
    who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain
    as Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne
    but Chuck saw through his clever disguise
    and he crushed Batman's head in between his thighs

    then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and
    "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"'s Black Knight and
    Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie and
    Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie
    Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader
    Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger
    Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan,
    Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan
    all came out of no where lightning fast
    and they kicked Chuck Norris in his cowboy ass
    it was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw
    with civilians looking on total awe

    and the fight raged on for a century
    many lives were claimed, but eventually
    the champion stood, the rest saw their better:
    Mr. Rogers in a bloodstained sweater

    this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
    good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see
    and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
    this is the Ultimate Showdown...
    this is the Ultimate Showdown...
    this is the Ultimate Showdown...
    of Ultimate Destiny

    http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/ultimate+showdown/
    go see it now, its so funny.

    Current Music: Ultimate Showdown of
    1:13 pm
    The morning
    Summer don't know me no more
    He got mad, tiresome

    Summer don't know me no more
    He just left me low in myself

    Because I do know love from you then
    Just dying

    I saw that day
    I lost my mind
    Lord I'm fine
    Maybe in time you'll want to be mine?

    Don't stop the buck when it comes
    It's the dawn, you'll see

    Money won't get there
    Ten years passed and now you'll flee

    If you do it then I'll be strong
    To find you

    I saw that day
    I lost my mind
    Lord I'm fine
    Maybe in time you'll want to be mine.

    I saw that day,
    I Lost my mind
    Lord, I'm fine
    Maybe in time you'll want to be mine.

    Maybe in time
    You'll want to be mine
    Maybe in time
    You'll want to be mine

    Current Mood: tired
    Current Music: El Mañana-Gorillaz
    Thursday, June 8th, 2006
    9:53 pm
    The first full day off.
    I know I'm updating a lot lately. I finally folded and gotten a sponsored+ account. I'm a schmuck, i know. I've been thinking too much about him again. What do i have to do yo get him off my mind. Or at least make me happy while he is on my mind? I can't help but continuously think about him and be unhappy doing it. If only I knew more about this. I want it to rain, but i know that this time ot wont make me happy. I need a miracle.

    Windmill, windmill for the land,
    Turn forever hand in hand,
    Take it all in on your stride,
    It is ticking, falling down,
    Love forever, love is free,
    lets turn forever you and me,
    Windmill windmill for the land,
    Is everybody in?

    Today was bring to say the least.
    It's going to be an interestingly bland summer.

    Somebody help me please? Any advice? I'm begging you!

    Current Mood: i want it to rain
    Current Music: Feel good inc.-gorillaz
    Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
    1:42 pm
    KdAiFsFnYeIyAiMsSsOoRaRwYeIsDoImDeNdTuCdAeL!L
    So i got back from florida yesterday at about 7:20 PM. I dont know what to say about it. It was awesome. A paradise. Totally adorable and fun and funny and everything. but then i came back and got hit by reality.

    I spent so much money. i got a lot. But nothing for you guys... sorry. i got burnt. Baad. IT faded a lot but my face is really icky. My back hurts. I got a lot of really cute stuff and went on some really awesome roller coasters and rides. I took a crap load of pictures. you can look at them but im not sure how much it will mean to you.

    The bus rides were long and uncomfortable. we watched a lot of movies and ate a lot of junk food.

    I can tell the future. I swear. I predicted a couple things and when i got back...VOILA! I was right (like always...jk) the thing that scares me is i dont know how i am right when i predict these things.

    and to show how easilyi get over things, i like someone new now. not telling who. I know it will end badly. I think a lot of other girls like him or at least flirt with him. But i have a suspiscian (omg, sp?)that he might like me or something. I wish there was some way to find out who he likes. OK, call and comment, alright?

    Ash

    Current Mood: back
    Friday, April 14th, 2006
    8:22 pm
    I want to have fun
    I want to go to cvs and hang out
    I want to walk down the streets of strongsville and laugh about nothing with all my friends
    I want to go somewhere and just hang out.
    I want to find the perfect person to talk to
    I want to watch the sun set and not have anything to worry about
    I want to walk around safely at 2 am.
    I want to write a song that makes me famous
    I want to be appreciated for everything that i am.
    I want people i see everyday to know i exist
    I want to be friends with a lot of those people.
    I want to know who i am
    I want people to stick up for me
    I want to get in a fight and win
    I want respect
    I want to be good at something
    I want to be a person
    I want security
    I want happiness
    i want to live a good life
    I want everyone to laugh during my funeral
    I want to be everything i ever dreamed of
    I want to sing and be heard
    i want a real hug, for a real reason
    I want everything to work out
    I want to be in shape
    i want everyone to be happy
    i want to be weird
    i want to stick out
    i want high school to be something i love.
    I want to let go of the past
    i want to be understood
    I want to make a music video (i have it all planned out)
    I want my chocolate ovaltine please

    I dont want to be bitter
    i dont want to have another bad day
    i dont want to waste my life
    i dont want regret
    i dont want to be something im not
    i dont want to make anyone sad
    i dont want anyone to hate me
    i dont want to be mean
    i dont want to cry
    i dont want to forget
    I dont want to get old
    I dont want to get ugly
    I dont want people to think I was the same.

    Don't tell me i have to do this all myself.

    I shouldnt have to go to CVS alone.
    I should have inspiration to write a song
    Does my gravestone have to be a joke for everyone to laugh?
    You know, somethings ,yeah. But help me out here.

    Current Mood: v spot top 20 inspired me
    Current Music: Happy Together, I love..., I'll be seeing you, Bad day
    Thursday, April 13th, 2006
    3:14 pm
    ugggggggh!
    NextOnFox8: after being all down in the dumps and everything
    NextOnFox8: well
    NextOnFox8: you know how i go by the music hallway after school
    cpfan9989: yesm
    NextOnFox8: well
    NextOnFox8: i went back in the band room to see who made it into symphony
    NextOnFox8: and i was all like "jeez, only me and eric are gonna be in concert with all the crappy people next year
    NextOnFox8: then i saw who was actually in symphonic and everything
    NextOnFox8: and i turned around and mr. Hire already closed the door i planned to make my escape from
    NextOnFox8: so i had to go through the one thats closest to mr harbarts office.
    NextOnFox8: and mr harbart happened to be going out of the music library door at the same time
    NextOnFox8: and he's like "how are you" and i was like "im fine..."
    NextOnFox8: etc..
    NextOnFox8: and i walk away to my normal post directly outside of that hallway
    NextOnFox8: suddenly mr harbart yells (kinda) "ashley, come in here"
    NextOnFox8: so i do
    NextOnFox8: and he's like "are you in symphonic band
    NextOnFox8: "
    NextOnFox8: and i shake my head
    NextOnFox8: and he's like
    NextOnFox8: "well you should be
    NextOnFox8: "
    NextOnFox8: and yeah
    NextOnFox8: it goes on from there

    after that mr. hire comes out and tells me i made symphony. since i was a little shaken up from the harbart thing i pretty much smiled and nodded and i think that kinda disappointed him. Then Mr. Harbart told all the music people what happened. So anyone i may have hurt with my sour mood between 7th period and between i am sorry. Its better now. i have other things that crapped on my day, but ill leave it at that.

    Current Mood: messed up
    Current Music: none now
    Sunday, April 9th, 2006
    5:07 pm
    A bunch of random things in no particular sequence
    i dont know what to say. (thats never stopped me before)
    I dont think ive ever really been speechless. Like i couldnt say anything. Or had nothing to say. I think you can tell, too. That i always have something more to say whether i say it or not. I dont think any of you know how i really feel. (about you) and i doubt you ever will. It's just the way i work. And sometimes its not what i say (or want to say), but what i do or want to do.

    How much do you really know about me?
    What am i mad about while im writing this?
    Whats really annoying me right now?
    Who do i just want to slap across the face?
    Who do i want to show the way i think and feel?
    What did/does my mom say to me that makes me mad?
    What do i do that i know i shouldnt?
    What do i wish i could be doing right now?
    Where do i wish i was right now?
    How do i plan to solve my problems?
    How do i take out my anger? (or do i?)

    You dont have to answer those. How many of you are really my friends? A friend would know a couple or quite a few of those. Are you all just accquaintances? I barely say a word to any of you. I could answer all those questions. There are actually quite a few answers to a lot of the questions.

    Current Mood: annoyed
    Current Music: Walk in the Shadows-Queensryche
    Friday, March 17th, 2006
    5:18 pm
    Hurt
    I miss him. I wish i went to school today. I wish i saw him today. But the way i feel. Im so miserable. I blame him. And he obviously doesnt get it. I've tried explaining myself. I cant get over it. I wish there was something else i could do.

    Current Mood: sad and sick
    Current Music: this is war-smile empty soul
    Friday, February 3rd, 2006
    3:46 pm
    dood
    after school my mom picked me up. I found her, put my stuff in the car and hopped in. after i buckled up i looked out the window and there he was, sitting in his bus. He smiled at me and i smiled back. He's so cute when he's smiling. He's so cute anyways.

    And today at lunch, we talked a little. Normally we just see and ignore each other. Today he talked to me about the note i wrote him yesterday.

    And this morning i totally caught him staring at me in the hall.

    Among other things.

    I like today more than i let on to any of you that i talked to.

    Ashley

    Current Mood: <3
    Current Music: radio
    Monday, January 23rd, 2006
    10:06 am
    Je suis laid.
    the girl switched rooms. The weekend was pretty awesome but i forgot my pillow. And somehow it brought about self-esteem issues. I dont even know how. But other than that, it was cool. I mean there was a "positive choice program" on saturday. It was like Operation: keepsake only a tad different. There were a lot of awesome people and cute guys. We had pizza. I personally liked the way down and back even better. I love roadtrips. I taught my teen leader about music on the way down after we got rid of three really loud girls (they were kinda disturbing the baby) on the way back i slept. it was awesome. I made a cool friend and saw an old one. I was kinda inspired. Now im sitting here and kinda wondering; wishing somebody was online.
    I want to talk to somebody and i feel so lonely. and i hate feeling lonely. I'm wondering why i dont have a boyfriend and if im pretty or in any way attractive. And the problem is, i dont know why. I realized the other day that i dont flirt. At all. And i was thinking, maybe i dont flirt because i dont want t ofreak guys out. Why would i freak guys out? because they dont like me? And why is that? Jeez. i said i have self esteem issues.

    What is wrong with me?

    I guess i'll never know.

    (oh yeah, i found all my good cd's)

    Current Mood: *tear*
    Current Music: The killers-Jenny was a firend of mine
    Thursday, December 15th, 2005
    7:49 pm
    Its time for my weekly update
    Yeah. Some drama the other day. It's hard to talk about since i think its so stupid. Its about a guy. The one i like (currently -_-;) one of my rather good friends likes him too. ANd it bothers me because she has so much of a better chance with him. But that works... *sigh* Its had me really distracted lately. yep, the past to days the...situation...has had me distracted. I cant elaborate, because its painful. Im not sure. I hate being so love-challenged. Or like-challenged. I just cant get the tiniest hang of it. Oh, and about it, I really want to get them together because i know that itll make her happy, but itll make me so*ellipses* not.


    Soo messed up. Its all messed up.


    I just found out my friend who lives in Avon Lake got kicked out of his house. By his stepdad

    Current Mood: confused
    Current Music: Underoath
    Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
    12:53 pm
    hey everyone. Bored outta my mind. not many people update anymore. Yeah. Not much to write about since you all know whats happening. meh.
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